“God only knows, I don’t,
what keeps me laughing.”
~Rumi
what keeps me laughing.”
~Rumi
Sometimes lately, I find myself consumed with the weight of yet another round of pain and misery involving the people around me, the world I live in and myself. I am afraid for my own well-being and ability to survive. I am terrified that my children might suffer irreparable failure or pain, or that my friends may be defeated in their quest for happiness and success. I am overwhelmed with the sense that this world is a hurt, mean, scary, unloving, unsupportive place—and I cannot do anything to change that. I ask myself repeatedly how I can continue to live here, when life consistently falls so short of my Vision, of my expectations. WHAT IS THE POINT? This place simply sucks-- and WHAT THE HECK AM I DOING HERE?
Depression. Helplessness. Hopelessness. I feel it inside of me and hear similar feelings expressed by those around me. As a counselor I understand these feelings, but/and as a human being I find them just as challenging to deal with as my clients and/or friends do. In these times of great challenges, I have found there is a way to come to terms with these feelings and deal with difficult situations effectively.
STEP ONE: Acknowledge what is going
on—don’t run from it. Don’t try to hide.
Sit down someplace quiet and private . Take a deep breath and simply
focus on whatever is going on in your
life that is disturbing to you. Think about everything. Observe it, but without judging it or trying
to resolve anything. Pay attention to all the details and how
notice how you feel about it, what you are thinking.
Just sit with the situation. Be
still and present. Let it all BE exactly
the way it is.
STEP TWO: Change your focus—look around and notice nice things around you. Feel the air on your skin. Notice the daffodil breaking through the soil nearby. Perhaps there are children laughing or a bird singing that you can hear. Just notice your environment and the beauty that is innately present in it. Then count your blessings, whatever those might be. Perhaps a starting point is being grateful that you can hear that bird or see the daffodil. Perhaps the blessings in your life include a loving family, a great mate, a job you love, more than enough money coming into your household, a home. Perhaps your blessings are different than those I have named, but whatever your blessings are, take a moment to notice them. Simply pay attention to all the Goodness in your life for a few minutes and “fill up your cup.” Then express Gratitude for all of it—on paper or out loud or in your mind. “I am grateful for. . . “ The purpose of this step is to BALANCE the weight of all the negativity you have been witnessing or experiencing. Doing this will shift your psychological perspective. The situations in your life that have been troubling you will still exist, but they won’t be so in the forefront of your thoughts/conscious focus.
STEP THREE: Acknowledge your lack of CONTROL—come present with your “powerlessness.” CONTROL has been called the MASTER ADDICTION. I believe that is an accurate assessment from what I have observed in myself and others. In all truthfulness, I think most of us would like to control everyone and everything, so loss, lack, fear or pain would never occur in our world. But, also in all truthfulness, we have little to no control over many circumstances in the outside world. We cannot control other people’s thoughts, feelings, opinions, actions or reactions. It doesn’t even matter that we think we might see a better path for others to take or a more effective way of doing things. That just doesn’t matter. The world just keeps on spinning the way it spins. And most people keep doing the things they need or want to do, to learn what they need to learn and/or to create for themselves. Most situations and circumstances, even those that impact us (directly or indirectly), often seem to originate outside our personal sphere of influence (i.e.: the collapse of the job market and/or housing industry, loved ones’ deaths, the economy and political environment, the outcome of loved ones’ relationships, other people’s decisions, etc. , etc.)
STEP TWO: Change your focus—look around and notice nice things around you. Feel the air on your skin. Notice the daffodil breaking through the soil nearby. Perhaps there are children laughing or a bird singing that you can hear. Just notice your environment and the beauty that is innately present in it. Then count your blessings, whatever those might be. Perhaps a starting point is being grateful that you can hear that bird or see the daffodil. Perhaps the blessings in your life include a loving family, a great mate, a job you love, more than enough money coming into your household, a home. Perhaps your blessings are different than those I have named, but whatever your blessings are, take a moment to notice them. Simply pay attention to all the Goodness in your life for a few minutes and “fill up your cup.” Then express Gratitude for all of it—on paper or out loud or in your mind. “I am grateful for. . . “ The purpose of this step is to BALANCE the weight of all the negativity you have been witnessing or experiencing. Doing this will shift your psychological perspective. The situations in your life that have been troubling you will still exist, but they won’t be so in the forefront of your thoughts/conscious focus.
STEP THREE: Acknowledge your lack of CONTROL—come present with your “powerlessness.” CONTROL has been called the MASTER ADDICTION. I believe that is an accurate assessment from what I have observed in myself and others. In all truthfulness, I think most of us would like to control everyone and everything, so loss, lack, fear or pain would never occur in our world. But, also in all truthfulness, we have little to no control over many circumstances in the outside world. We cannot control other people’s thoughts, feelings, opinions, actions or reactions. It doesn’t even matter that we think we might see a better path for others to take or a more effective way of doing things. That just doesn’t matter. The world just keeps on spinning the way it spins. And most people keep doing the things they need or want to do, to learn what they need to learn and/or to create for themselves. Most situations and circumstances, even those that impact us (directly or indirectly), often seem to originate outside our personal sphere of influence (i.e.: the collapse of the job market and/or housing industry, loved ones’ deaths, the economy and political environment, the outcome of loved ones’ relationships, other people’s decisions, etc. , etc.)
While I am extremely committed to the philosophy and practice of
being personally accountable and responsible for every aspect of one’s life,
the fact is many situations in everyone’s
life seem to be precipitated by other people’s choices and actions, and
by circumstances that seem to be dictated by something many folks call Fate or
Destiny or Karma or Higher Power. SO, to
me, at some point, we need to acknowledge that we are NOT IN CHARGE of
everything. Actually, in all honesty, we
are not in charge of most things. Even
if we are as conscious, responsible and accountable as we can possibly bring ourselves
to be, we are not creating all of this that happens to and around us, so we
cannot UNcreate it either.
STEP FOUR: Take action in the areas that are yours to
handle—be empowered in the arenas you can control. Each individual can think good thoughts about
whatever is going on. We can look for the hidden gifts, the learning
experiences, the unexpected blessings that might be present in unpleasant
circumstances. We can adjust our
perception so we can feel okay about whatever is going on. We can do things that make us happy—having
another cup of great coffee, take your dog for a walk, meditating, kissing,
reading a good book, taking a hot bubble bath or whatever we might find that
reminds me that life here is GOOD.
We can also do good. We can
love and encourage the people around us through their hard times. We can assist
them if we have the resources to do that.
We can do service in bigger arenas if that is available. We can make
sure that our personal world stays as fun, safe, loving and healthy as
possible– and we can share all that with our loved ones, family and friends. We can take care of OURSELVES and our own ten
acres, so we can be a point of solace, sanity and laughter for others when they need that.
In “A New Earth,” Eckhart Tolle notes that acceptance is not “a passive state . . . in reality it is active and creative because it brings something entirely new into this world” (296). That “new” thing acceptance brings into the world is Peace, and then “surrendered action” (296). The Peace I find through acknowledging and accepting Life as it shows up, and the shift I can make into a positive state of loving, enjoying and valuing my life, even in the face of whatever heartache and hardship that I see present in the world or that seems to threaten my own personal existence, is a Gift I can give to myself no matter what is happening around me and regardless of world events or challenges in my own or my loved ones’ lives. It is also a gift I can share with others when they are going through difficult times.
Additionally, I find that this state of Acceptance and Peace allows me to see what is and is not mine to do in any given situation. It precipitates clarity and often results in me saying just the “right words” or taking the “perfect” action.” Tolle refers to this as “surrendered action,” which he considers to be the way Peace “enters this world” as a result of acceptance being present (296).
Acceptance is clearly not “giving up” or being submissive to the circumstances, and it is not apathy. It is the act of coming present with and acknowledging the facts of a situation, and then choosing to do what I can, first inwardly, and then, if appropriate, out in the world to better the situation. Acceptance allows me to honestly and clearly distinguish between that which I have power to change, and that which I do not.
In “A New Earth,” Eckhart Tolle notes that acceptance is not “a passive state . . . in reality it is active and creative because it brings something entirely new into this world” (296). That “new” thing acceptance brings into the world is Peace, and then “surrendered action” (296). The Peace I find through acknowledging and accepting Life as it shows up, and the shift I can make into a positive state of loving, enjoying and valuing my life, even in the face of whatever heartache and hardship that I see present in the world or that seems to threaten my own personal existence, is a Gift I can give to myself no matter what is happening around me and regardless of world events or challenges in my own or my loved ones’ lives. It is also a gift I can share with others when they are going through difficult times.
Additionally, I find that this state of Acceptance and Peace allows me to see what is and is not mine to do in any given situation. It precipitates clarity and often results in me saying just the “right words” or taking the “perfect” action.” Tolle refers to this as “surrendered action,” which he considers to be the way Peace “enters this world” as a result of acceptance being present (296).
Acceptance is clearly not “giving up” or being submissive to the circumstances, and it is not apathy. It is the act of coming present with and acknowledging the facts of a situation, and then choosing to do what I can, first inwardly, and then, if appropriate, out in the world to better the situation. Acceptance allows me to honestly and clearly distinguish between that which I have power to change, and that which I do not.
For me, I have come to see, simply, that being happy doesn’t mean
that everything in Life is perfect. It means that I have seen the imperfections
and decided to look beyond them, focusing instead on the inherent Beauty,
Loving and Goodness of Life. I have
decided to be happy, just as I am, just as Life is.
After that I just do what I can do.
Citation:
Tolle, E. (2005). A New Earth. London: Penguin Books
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