Questioning

Most Precious Spirit. . .

Why do I resist you so?

You embrace me---

And like a little scared child,

I wiggle and squirm

And push you away--

Laughing as I

Run off the play. . .

Skinning my knees as I stumble and fall

Along the way.

I laugh. . .

At first.

Then I fall down again. . .

And again.

Finally, I cry. . .

"God--

This is supposed to a GAME.

Why isn't it more FUN?

Why does it hurt so much to fall down?

Why is there so much PAIN?

Why is getting back up so HARD?"

Then, I turn around and you aren't there.

Or, at least, I can't see you through my tears.

I feel angry and confused.

So-- you reach out and touch me,

In my Heart,

To get my attention.

I crawl back up on Your knee

And You comfort me

Again-- as You always have.

Knowing I will squirm away again

And run to play.

Giggling as I wipe away my tears.

Remembering that You love me,

No matter what.

Gratitude

 Thank you for this day--

For this body, this family,

These friends, this home,

This life.

It is a Gift

I have threatened many times

To return to you--

Unknowing,

Ungrateful,

Ignorant of Who I am

And of what this life can be.

And always, You

Sit patiently with me--

Waiting

For me to realize how Blessed

I Am.

By your Hands. . .

From Your Heart to mine.

Peace

 "When you find yourself in the midst of a storm in your life,it's an opportunity to call out to peace. Peace is present, it's at hand, and you have the opportunity to bring the stillness of peace into your life. If it seems as if the world is coming against you, you're charged with the responsibility of not returning the againstness and, instead, absorbing it into your consciousness and not letting it return into the world.

That is part of stopping the war and the conflict-- to be one who refuses to return the conflict into the world. You do have the consciousness within you that can take the againstness, the negativity, and transmute it. That's part of the value of going into higher consciousness: you gain a greater ability to hold the Light and hold the energies that will transmute the negativity of this world."

- John Morton
 
I have found myself often observing that throughout history some well-known people met all kinds of personal attacks and all kinds of criticism by doing just what is spoken of above-- by simply doing nothing "like" in return, by simply staying in their Peace and staying on course.  I haven’t seen this response as often lately as I would like to.  It seems that even our current Leaders cannot do this powerful act of simply not returning the againstness and instead “absorbing” it into their consciousness and . . . transmuting it into compassion and understanding. 

 I am moved and inspired by the example of the people I have read about who have been able to make this choice to be for Peace.  People like Jesus, Gandhi, Martin Luther King, Nelson Mandela, Leo Tolstoy and others have always stood out as people I wanted to honor by the way I lived my own life.

 But, the fact is, I find it challenging to make this conscious choice for Peace at times in my own life . . . at least in ways that allow me to stay healthy, in ways that are not simply about "stuffing" my feelings of resentment and anger deep inside me where they toxify me. My Modus Operandi for many years was being "nice" all the time, no matter what-- even when that did not match what I was feeling.  Eventually I came to feel that I was being "loving" only because I had to, because I "should" be, because it was the right thing to do-- and not because I wanted to be loving, not because I was choosing it, not because it was truly my inner state of being.

 So eventually, as a result of my silence, I allowed enough people to heap enough hurt upon me to blow me completely apart-- and out of my Loving Heart.  For several years, my anger, resentment and hurt sat very close to the surface-- and, as a result, I expressed them often and vehemently-- which was neither who I am at my most core level, nor was it who I wanted to be in the world.

 Eventually I passed through that period, with a lot of help from my friends-- but lately I have been finding myself looking again at the question "What should I do when people either deliberately and with intent, or stupidly out of their "ignorance," strike against me or hurt me or try take what is mine without permission, whether that be a thing, a person I love, or my name and reputation."

 My response to that question and my response to such acts is often that I want to go back to ignoring other people’s offenses against me, because it is easier and seems safer.  But, as soon as I think that thought, another part of me comes forward that wants to retaliate.  Neither seemed like an effective, workable solution in the past, nor did they appear to be that now. I wasn’t sure where to go with my quandary about how to deal with againstness when it was coming at me.

 Then one day I was in the midst of listening to an ex-tenant whining at me about why he had broken his lease AND trashed my house, and I saw that I had a CHOICE of how I responded.  I could continue to be "nice" and understanding in that dishonest way I was doing-- or I could fly in the RAGE I was feeling underneath as he spoke.  Neither seemed appropriate in the situation.  Neither seemed like who I wanted to be. I decided I needed to find another solution/course of action. A quote from some poster I had seen came to mind—“If being good isn’t working, try being outrageous!”

 Suddenly, I was absolutely clear that I needed to stop the internal and external flow of what was going on. So -- for that moment I simply chose to step out of the situation- that is I hung up on my ex-tenant (which I grant you was kind of an extreme response-- but this was my first time trying to change this dichotomous pattern of either doormat or rageful bitch, so it is okay that I did it awkwardly, and perhaps poorly!  I forgave myself :-])  But/and it was an excellent move for me to simply choose not to continue to move forward with the situation as it was unfolding, and not to react in either of the unempowered and/or unempowering ways I was being drawn into.

 Then, after some thought about what I needed to do to be in the inner state I wanted to be in as I handled the situation, I meditated for a while and then took a walk. When I felt more calm and neutral, I emailed my ex-tenant that I had no desire to speak to him.  I said that I was not happy that he had broken his word and our lease repeatedly, and that he had trashed my property and left me in a bad position financially.  I also told him that I would decide in my own time what to do about all that legally.  I was absolutely clear with him that I did not care to listen to his manipulative whining any more nor to be part of the way he shystered his way through life-- and I told him not to call me again. 

That felt GREAT!!  I felt free of him and empowered in the situation.  I had been honest in expressing my anger-- AND, because I had chosen to "step back," I had been able to do that without abusing him and without being "mean" or vengeful.  I still had the situation to deal with, but I had given myself time to do that in the way I needed to for myself-- AND I had handled the situation in a way that did not leave me with "collateral damage" to clean up as sometimes happens when my long-repressed temper gets away from me!  I liked all that. 

 I also felt more at peace with the situation, because I had chosen my Peace when I had stepped out of BOTH the unempowered "make nice" act I was doing AND the over-empowered rage that was seething underneath.  I had simply said to myself and the Universe that neither of those was the state I wanted to be in-- and then acted accordingly, by behaving in a way that wasn’t exactly part of either of those states, and yet honored both of them. I had moved myself back to the place inside of me that is where I live when things are just normal and fine and no one is striking against me-- my Peace.  It was great.  I didn't have to decimate my "attacker"-- nor did I have to kiss his ass.  I just had to take care of ME.

 Anyway—lately, as I see so many people in so many societal circumstances and positions succumbing to anger, hatred and vengeance as a way of responding to the many life challenges we are currently facing, I find myself wishing for better for everyone.  I want us all the choose our Peace Model and ask ourselves, “What would Gandhi or Jesus or ML King do in this situation"?  Perhaps then everyone could start down the Peace Path, as I did when I was dealing with my ex-tenant.

 I found my own Answer. I chose my own Peace and was empowered by that. I believe we can all do that.

 

All the parts of me. . .learning

I need the Teacher.

I need my Little Girl.

I need that Angel

inside of me.



I need the stories.

I need the memories.

I need the pictures.

I need the words

I hold in my Heart.



I am the slave-girl.

I am the Queen.

I am the “poor girl” dead in the streets.

I am the Priestess leading the Priests.

I am the Leper.

I am the woman sold for her “sweets.”

I am the little one left at the Home.

I am the mother dying alone.

I am the loved one with so much to share.

I am the hated no one sees there.

I am forgotten by all who I knew.

I am remembered by only a Few.



I need my Witness.

I need my Scribe.

I need my Knowledge.

I need my Bliss.

I need my Ignorance.

I need my Gifts.

I need my Sheepish One.

I need my Shamed.

I need the part of me thirsty for Fame.

I need my Hatred.

I need my Love.



I need ALL OF ME. . . so

my Innocence

can learn

the Wisdom

that lies here for me.



In Heaven

I Am

while on Earth.



I am One today. . .

I need the Teacher.

I need my Little Girl.

I need that Angel

inside of me.



I need the stories.

I need the memories.

I need the pictures.

I need the words

I hold in my Heart.



I am the slave-girl.

I am the Queen.

I am the “poor girl” dead in the streets.

I am the Priestess leading the Priests.

I am the Leper.

I am the woman sold for her “sweets.”

I am the little one left at the Home.

I am the mother dying alone.

I am the loved one with so much to share.

I am the hated no one sees there.

I am forgotten by all who I knew.

I am remembered by only a Few.



I need my Witness.

I need my Scribe.

I need my Knowledge.

I need my Bliss.

I need my Ignorance.

I need my Gifts.

I need my Sheepish One.

I need my Shamed.

I need the part of me thirsty for Fame.

I need my Hatred.

I need my Love.



I need ALL OF ME. . . so

my Innocence

can learn

the Wisdom

that lies here for me.



In Heaven

I Am

while on Earth.



I am One today. . .

different than even I was yesterday,

different than I will Be tomorrow.



Tomorrow

I will be whatever Spirit needs me to be,

so I can learn. . .

so I can Teach. . .

so I can Become. . .

so I can Be

what I am Here to Be



for Spirit

and for me.

"Have-to's" vs "Must-do's"

 

“What is happiness except simple harmony between a man and the life he leads?” ~Camus

I read a blog a few weeks ago that discussed the difference between activities that are "have-to’s”-- and activities one MUST-DO because one's INNER BEINGNESS demands it and/or is fulfilled by it and so drives one to do it. I had two reactions to this blog-- the first feeling was almost a sense of "offense" at this differentiation. Right now, I see a lot of people who can't feed their families or pay their mortgages. Those people are rightfully concerned about the have-to’s in their lives right now—they have-to pay their mortgage, get a job, feed their families, move on with their lives. I am sure they do not spend too much time contemplating what their Soul is calling them to do . . . what they must do to feel fulfilled at the highest level. These people are operating a lot in survival mode, or the lower levels of Maslow’s Pyramid of Needs. I felt a little bit like the commentary of the blog was directed at folks who already have all the basic life-sustaining resources-- and then some-- in place. It seemed a little uppity and pretentious to me, so I almost dismissed it.

But, after those initial thoughts and feelings passed through my mind, I realized that I had an additional, very deep conflict going on inside of me about the "must-do" vs. "have-to" concept. As I worked in my garden after reading the post, I noticed I was struggling to delineate what was meant by each of the phrases the author had chosen to use. I strained to determine which category the various situations of my own life fell into. I thought – “Well, my must-do, Soul-urged and Spirit-fulfilling activities are probably things like gardening, painting, writing, the way I love to counsel/coach people, dance, redecorate spaces or whatever. My have-to's are probably like when I was a single mom supporting my kids, with bills to pay and a house to run. The aspects of my work that aren't so much fun and are just the means to the end of getting a deal done or making the money might well qualify as have-to’s-- or perhaps things like cleaning the toilet and shower or taking care of my puppy dog's sore butt when she gets yet another urinary tract infection would meet the have-to criteria.

The terms have-to and must-do made sense when I looked at them from that perspective. And clearly, it is more fun to live a life directed by fulfilling one's INSPIRATION, rather than simply doing what one needs to do to survive and live. But, strangely, even with that cognitive understanding in place, I still felt conflicted about putting various situations of my life neatly into two categories like that. Something about it just didn't feel right.

Then, a day later, again, while working in my garden, I realized that I was conflicted with the labeling exercise because very little in my life falls into the have-to category anymore . . . no matter how mundane, unpleasant or "uninspiring" it seems. I was excited by this realization, but for a moment I didn’t understand how that could be so. As I reached to pull some pesky weeds, I realized the reason I have few have-to’s anymore is because I choose to do everything from my Heart and with Great Loving. The moment I make that choice and activate my Loving with whatever I am doing—the activity immediately becomes a must-do because it fulfills my Heart and my Loving. It feels no different inside of me to clean the toilet (or my dog's butt) with loving-- to do the least pleasant aspects of my work (or gardening) from a place of deep service—to or fulfill the lowest of my life responsibilities as though I were giving that as a gift to myself, others and Spirit, than it feels to paint that cool picture I envision-- or write that moving poem-- or meditate—or dance-- or reach out to those who come into my life asking for my advice and/or Wisdom about their life dilemmas-- or etc.. The reason it had been so difficult for me to divide my life activities into these two categories was because the things I do don't FEEL different to me. I could only make the have-to/must-do delineation in my HEAD—not my HEART!

The only MUST-DO in my life at this point is to Love and be Loving. THAT drives everything I do and transforms everything I am involved with. It even transforms a “have-to” to a must-do.” My Heart sings through every activity as long as I am fulfilling the Loving inside of me—as long as I know myself to be Divine and every activity I participate with to be a Holy event. It isn't WHAT I do that is a MUST, but rather HOW I choose to do it that makes a difference. Choosing that HOW is what drives and inspires me these days.

Life is not always easy or fun, nor filled with “first choice” activities-- but regardless of that, I can always CHOOSE LOVE. That is, ultimately, a MUST-DO for all of us!

The Gift of Crazy!!

 Crazy keeps you from going insane, and it is God's way of getting you to crack up, as in smile and laugh, at yourself and the situation." ~ John-Roger

A small-minded man I know called a woman I love “a nut-case" in the midst of a disagreement. I found his label annoying, since, while he is a creative musician, he is clearly under-developed in his awareness of people and the Universe in a particular way. Anything he doesn't understand, that doesn't fit in his box, that isn't the "norm" gets neatly labeled "crazy" and tucked away in his “nut-case” box forever. Isn't that what so many people do with so many people they just don't "grok." And isn't that what so many people do with ways of life, ideas and concepts that don't match their own? They simply label them WRONG. And "crazy" is a really easy way to make someone or something wrong, because our culture doesn't value "craziness" and doesn’t understand how important exploring some of that state can be to being healthy.

As both a psychologist and a minister, I have found that sometimes, as people do Inner Work to break free of the mental and emotional cages they find themselves imprisoned in, they must explore aspects of themselves that other people simply hide from. Through this self-exploration, they learn about themselves and often become better people-- healthier, stronger and more compassionate. "

There is a wonderful quote by Maya Angelou in which she suggests (paraphrased) that we "invite our Demons in for tea or soup. . . and get to know them better. . . become friends with them," if we are ever to completely know ourselves and find True Peace and Compassion.

Rumi also spoke frequently of "madness" as being a legitimate and necessary aspect of one’s search for and finding of a deeply personal, intimate relationship with Spirit and Oneness with the Beloved. Take for example the following poem:

“The nafs is a sea of calm until it roars.

The nafs is a Hell that radiates little heat.

The nafs is an ankle-deep river you drown in.

Better to be ignorant of worldly concerns,

better to be mad and flee from self-interest,

better to drink poison and spill the water of life,

better to revile those who praise you,

and lend both the capital and the interest to

the poor, forgo safety and make a home in danger.

Sacrifice your reputation and become notorious.

I have tried caution and forethought;

from now on I will make myself mad.”

~Rumi

Perhaps being "crazy"-- or a "nut-case," as this person described my friend-- is simply a matter of being sane enough, sensitive enough and "free" enough to explore, express and BE outside the box that so many people, including, obviously, even some artistic, seemingly "creative" people inhabit. Perhaps it is simply about being a big enough person to embrace all aspects of oneself, including those that are somewhat uncomfortable and “dark.” And perhaps it is having the courage to not always match other people’s models.

I find that as I have become older-- more mature, healed and Whole-- and more attuned to and aligned with What Is, I have simply stopped labeling people so randomly. I look for the Best and the Good in everyone. I try to find qualities to enjoy about people, even if I do not necessarily understand them. I withhold my judgment of what is "normal," right and good more and more often, because I am acutely aware that I may not be seeing the whole picture. I allow room for the possibility that there may be something about the person or situation that is outside my range of experience and my value judgments.

John-Roger Hinkins also noted that if we could see into the deepest corners of our enemies’ Hearts, indeed the darkest corners of their Souls, we would have nothing but Compassion for them-- so why not have that Compassion, even if we are not able to peer that far into another person's Beingness. We can CHOOSE, even in OUR darkness, to have that big of a Heart . . . to be that Divine!

Home Again, Home Again!

“Real life

is taunting me,

seeming more real than the Reality

I know inside my Self. . .

Reality as I know it to be on the Other Side.

People here can seem

as Real as the Beings of Light that

Stand with me,

Stand for me,

through the Darkness here.

In the Dark,

sometimes they all look

and feel the same;

the Light Beings There,

guiding me, guarding me;

the Beings here binding me,

sharing their hearts with me,

touching me--

locking me into lifetimes

of shared Desire, exchanged Pain,

elusive Forgiveness. . .

challenging me,

'til I am Free.”

 

I remember quite clearly resisting being born.  I was not quite in a body, but I could definitely feel the pull and pressures of the birth process, and I was not at all sure I wanted to participate. Having hovered close by through the formation of the body now awaiting the Breathe of Life, I had heard all the many arguments, felt the anger and witnessed the pounding fists and open palms on soft flesh of the beings who would parent me. I found myself reconsidering whether this experience was at all what I had agreed to as I stood aligned with the Karmic Board, infused with the Light of Spirit and the Highest Aspirations for what I could accomplish on this particular Walk-About.

Whatever had I been thinking?

I was clear that I had been in complete agreement with the project the Board and I had mapped out.  At that time, it had seemed overwhelmingly perfect and inspired.  The Board- a collective consciousness, a Multi-Dimensional, All-Knowing Conglomerate Being, so to speak- knew me well and loved me endlessly and unconditionally. It had been that loving that permeated the meeting and our outline of what this lifetime would entail.   Somehow the Mission we agreed upon, the exploration I would do, my next “lesson needed,” had seemed much more fun, exhilarating and do-able when they had all stood with me as I planned and then committed to the trip. 

Already trapped in the energy field of my next birth, I now remembered that I had barely escaped last time I had ventured to the Planet Earth.  Yes, “escape” is the right word, though departing from that world entails physically dying.  BUT, in all honesty, as long as I returned to the “Other Side,” Soul intact (and despite rumors, one’s Soul is ALWAYS intact), I had no problem with that . . . the physical dying part.  In fact, I knew that my ticket BACK to the Planet had been that I kept opting out of the “endure to the end” and “love everything” aspect of my visits to the “so-enchanting-to-others-but-not-to-me” Third Dimension.  I kept thinking I could get away with quitting before my time on Earth was up.

BUT, I wondered as I watched the life I would be born into—how had I gotten into this spot? What was the KEY to me being poised on the precipice of what promised to be a nightmare childhood, struggling to escape the gravitational pull of this Planet Earth 101 lesson? What was my causal factor?  What was I to be learning about?

The answer-- my Heart.  My Empathy, my Sympathy, my Human Caring and my personalized emotional caring for humans had more or less had betrayed me time and time again. I also had continually insisted on JUDGING what goes on on the Planet, calling it BAD and PAINFUL and UGLY and NO FUN AT ALL!

I had once enjoyed the luxury of existing only as a non-corporeal being—a Being of Light and Energy and Sound.  I had been assigned to be a “Guardian Angel," literally and metaphorically, as nothing throughout in the Universes of Light and Sound exists quite the way words and thoughts can capture. A little girl needed support as she was being tortured in some sort of inquisition that could only make sense to an undeveloped and primitive mind of a being evolving on a planet where the “most-likely-to-succeed” beast was an ape.  Hmmm. . .

Bewilderment embraced me as they inflicted pain on this young one of their own kind.  She could not escape the anguish as she was locked into the human form that was all she knew to be herself.  I experienced anger in the form of protectiveness of her. I want to stop her torturer, with force if necessary.  I didn’t realize I was hovering so close to the beings involved in the exchange that because of my innate sensitivity and openness I was FEELING through the emotional energy field that is present around all human beings, and indeed the Planet Earth itself.  

Anyway, I felt the emotions of anger, protectiveness, and rage coursing through me and because of my unfamiliarity with the medium of emotion, I responded by leaping into the child’s body for just a long moment, taking control of the situation and the torturer’s sword.  I killed him, and as other guards surged in to kill me, I was overcome with fear and unable to exit the body I had taken over.  Thus I was trapped in Form, with the karma of intense emotions of fear, rage, anger, protectiveness, and the state of empathy and extreme emotional sensitivity locked into to my energy body at a very deep level.   The DRAMA of the situation had trapped me.  I had gone from observing and monitoring the scene with loving support, to participating, driven by emotions of the basest and most human sort.

Thus, I began a journey of many lifetimes on Earth with my destination/goal being to break Free again and go “Home” for good—which for me, I thought, was back to an Existence exclusively in a non-corporeal Light Form.  The problem is/was that to actually do that, to break free of the pull and karma of Earth, one needs to fully LIVE on Earth.  One needs to EXPERIENCE BEING HUMAN.  One needs to respond emotionally and physically, as well as on all other human levels, as though the Dream of life here on Earth is both Real and Unreal at the same time. One must live the Dream fully and completely, while also knowing it to be a Dream with every fiber of one’s being.  Like patting one’s proverbial conscious mind, rubbing one’s proverbial human tummy and whistling Amazing Grace in the spheres beyond all time and space.

Not easily done.  But, here I am again, on Earth—learning to do that, learning to live HERE in Peace and Loving, following my Heart. . . doing Good, doing God.  AND-- I am learning to enjoy that, to have FUN, to LAUGH at all of it, and to PLAY here, because that is where the FREEDOM comes in for me-- and how the LOVING fills and fulfills me, and lives through me. 

I know now that that can and does take me Home again. 

I have learned and experienced that I AM HOME when I am doing that.  When I am BEING Love, here or anywhere in the Universes, I AM HOME—no matter what form I am living in or where I am at.  I know that Love is everywhere, and God/Spirit/What Is/Hu/Om (whatever name we call It) is LOVE.  So when I AM and DO Love, I am HOME.